Help Desk Doom

Explosive Bitch About Crap

2006-08-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

I fucking Hate big brother... I hate the contestants, i hate the marketing of it... i hate it when people talk about it.

I also hate the black eyed pea's. Fergie is not hot.. she looks like a sodding man.

I hate Emo... Fuck you emo!!!!! You bitch, whinge and whine about the most pathetic shit. I.e. the band i model my whole fucking anti-individualistic life around isn't playing near my town and i think i should committ suicide in protest.

I've always hated home & away + neighbours... They're exactly the fucking same TV shows... how the hell do these people endure so much drama every single day of hte week and still bear to live in such a retarded fucking town.... MOVE OUT!!! MOVE SOMEWHERE THAT THERES LESS HORSESHIT!!!

Boy bands.... Jesus fucking christ i hate boy bands... especially hanson - you snivelling little incestuous spasticated moronic excuses for some failure in the evolutionary chain. Do the world a fucking favour, write a song (or get one written for you) which motivates all of your fans to kill themselves and destroy all hanson propaganda and hanson family members.

To the parents of the idiots in the hanson band: Screw you... I hope your proud of your mistake.

-catches breath-

To all of the above:

GET F**KED!

-- The Consultant

Shellshock ^^

2006-06-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written up this blog.

Namely because I quit working at that god forsaken .... place? I can't think of any real way of describing it.

Woodridge.... (this will only really make sense to people who live on the gold coast, australia)

For those out of towners... we could call it... ..........Palastine? Iraq? some retarded country that needs turning into a parking lot.

New job. New job rocks.

Old Job Sucks.

Old job + resignation = new job + awesomeness.

Eat shit woodridge!!!!

-- The Consultant

"Technical"

2006-01-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

Me - Ok we just need to determine what operating system you are running.. so is that windows XP.. 98? Millennium?

Customer - Oh I don't know I'm not very computer literate i'm sorry..

Me - Ah Ok well if you look at the start button can you see if it is Green or Grey?

Customer - Listen I already told you i'm not that technical with these damn things so you'll have to just be patient with me and use very basic terms?"

Me - uhm.. yeah sorry about that... so is the thingy down the bottom left hand side green?

Customer - what thingy?! what do you mean green?!?!?

For christs sake people...

But oh.. it goes on.

Customer - Well where the hell do you find desktop???

Me - Its the main thing you see after you boot up...

Customer - What the hell do you mean boot up???

Customer - I told you i was dumb!!!

Now this next bit I have to say quite frequently... I would like to express very clearly that this following statement does NOT reflect my beliefs of these customers:

Me - "Not dumb at all... Just inexperienced"

....there is some element of truth in it... they are inexperienced... BUT THEY ARE ALSO VERY VERY STUPID!!!!!

GREEN!!! FOR FKS SAKE ITS GREEN!!!!

Me - Click on start and then run for me please

Customer - How do i do that?

Customer - You must be a very patient man.

Me - *hits mute button* #!%#!!%%^^$@@

The rest is history..

Customers are Idiots...

Without us... They would be stuck in the world of electronics without a paddle, map... or even a god damned torch.

The Internet is our Domain, Our World.

We the Computer Techs are your Gods!!!!!!!

BOW DOWN TO OUR NERDINESS!!!!

AND STOP WAKING UP AT 7AM ON A BLOODY SATURDAY MORNING JUST TO CALL US AND TELL US YOU CAN'T GET ONLINE... GO BACK TO BED... GO WALK THE DOG....

FUCK OFF!!!!

-- The Consultant

Slug HEADS!!!

2006-01-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

Bitch bitch complain whinge whine.

Blah blah blah we’ve never had this problem before, blah blah blah its all your fault, blah blah blah moan moan complain.

You idiot customers! Do you go back to mitre 10 when your bloody light bulbs blow and go “THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, WHY DOES THIS STOP WORKING”

ITS ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT!!! ITS MECHANICAL EQUIPMENT!!!

EVEN YOUR BLOODY CAR BREAKS DOWN!!!!!

WHY DOES EVERYBODY THINK THAT COMPUTERS ARE THESE MONOLITHS OF INVULNERABILITY THAT SHOULD NEVER BREAK DOWN OR FAIL…

EVERYTHING YOU OWN NEEDS TO BE MAINTAINED AND REPAIRED BECAUSE IT BREAKS!!! WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK COMPUTERS ARE DIFFERENT!!!!

PISS OFF YOU BLOODY MONKEYS!!!!!!

I take that back, even a frigging monkey understands that shit breaks!!!!!!

GOD DAMNED SLUGS!!!

.....SLUG HEADS!!!!

-- The Consultant

God Damned... IDIOT!!

2005-12-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

Some days It is so hard to sit there and pretend that your not frustrated and that the customer isn't a complete Moron.

Today. I recieved a call...

Customers rings up...

Proceeds to tell me that he's in the modem interface... which turns out to be the control panel of windows 2000.

It gets better...

This dude is talking like he knows absolutely everything... but he doesn't know shit:

C - "Yes its failing sync... I think this is because of the security."

Me - Ok so lets check the physical connections. how many phones have you got?

C - Yes I uh.. don't have the phone line plugged into the adsl modem and its not working.

Me - Ok with ADSL you will need the phone line plugged into the modem..

This goes on for a while.

Now he's trying to go into the ethernet connection properties... DONT BLOODY TOUCH THEM!!! IT BLOODY WORKS!!!! IF YOU CAN INTERFACE WITH THE MODEM DONT FRIGGEN TOUCH IT!!!!

Now he's telling me that he's got a "router switch".

me - you mean a 4 port router?

c - no its a uh router that comes with multiple ports..

me - yes thats a 4 port router.

c - no.. its a switching router.

me - no, i think you'll find thats a 4 port router. but why did you buy a 4 port router anyway?

(technically it could be a router/switch... because alot of routers have switching capabilities but the way this guy was describing it.... then no. its not the way he said it)

c - because i need to share the internet connection i need a router

me - your adsl modem we supplied is a router so all you need is to plug that into a switch.

c - so should i configure NAT's?

me - No, Please do not touch anything unless instructed by me.

At this point i'm starting to sweat with the amount of concentration that i'm putting into not abusing the shit out of this customer and telling him how retarded he really is.

This guy obviously has no fucking idea what he's doing... And I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to tell him that.

Oh this is gold... this is GOLD!!

He thought he'd be so smart and switch phones... Now he can't hear me... Yeh man!!! YEAH MAN YOUR SO SMART!!!!!

Thats it. Screw this guy, I'm going to spend the rest of the call making him run around like a headless chicken and use techinical terms he's never even heard of.. Hell I might even make some up.

I wish I had a chew toy..

I also wish I could keep a recording of this call and post it on the net... For then the world could revel in this Moron's stupidity.

Revel revel revel... bask in his radiant stupidity!!!! SAVOUR HIS PRESENCE FOR IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SMARTER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!

Normally when an Idiot calls me... It makes me feel more stupid because they are so dumb that it overflows and it drags me down into the abyss of ... DUMB! But this guy is just so dumb that its beyond anything.. beyond help. He is so stupid if you talk to him you'll go down through the horrible abyss and back out the other side into another universe where everything is just.. well... WRONG!

This guy's stupidity is so powerful it creates a wormhole that you can pass through cleanly from one universe of intelligent beings to another... He's like a black hole for common sense, but instead of keeping it and storing it and not letting any escape... he spews it through to somewhere else.

Ooo I just thought of a fun game. I'm going to let him think he knows what he's talking about and doing... Yes... and when he's sitting up on his throne of dillusional stupidity... at the pinnacle of his self righteous glory... At that moment he will run out of ideas/options and not be able to do it and will ask for any other ideas... at which point I will use a GIANT FUCKING WRECKING BALL TO KNOCK THIS BASTARD DOWN!!!! DOWN HE GOES CRASHING AND SPLASHING THROUGH THE PILLAR OF BULLSHIT THAT HES BUILT UP UNDERNEATH HIMSELF.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DOWN YOU GO!!!!!

-- The Consultant

"You People..."

2005-12-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

From here on in the customers will be referred to as "Idiots"...

I am sick to death of Idiots ringing up and referring to myself and my work colleageus... as "you people". What are we some sort of ethnic minority?!!?!? YOU PEOPLE?!?!? YOUR PEOPLE?!?

If you go up to a member of an ethnic minority and go "what do you people think, what do you people do, you people did this n that"... YOU'D PROBABLY GET ARRESTED FOR RACISM... OR SHOT! :-

Perhaps the next idiot that calls up n refers to me as "you people" I should put on some crazy accent an start bitching about social injustices and racial bullshit.. Refuse him service because of the years and years of oppression their ancestors dished out to some random dudes back in the 16th century.

It's time for me to dish out some "You people"... Except i'm going to replace "people" with the words "idiots".

You idiots keep ringing me an bullshitting about random crap that doesn't make sense. Telling me your modem isn't online when i can see it and communicate with the modem.

You idiots keep calling up whinging because you've had your speed slowed down due to excessive downloading... TOUGH SHIT! If you idiots learnt how to download with moderation you wouldn't have this F**king problem!!!

You idiots keep calling and telling me the same thing over and over again. My broadband isn't working... So I tell them to wait a few seconds and they tell me yet again... that their broadband isn't working. God dammit you idiots!!! We are well aware that your shit isn't working! We know its not working as soon as we pick up the phone because why the bloody hell else would you be calling the internet help qeue????

Fuck You Idiots!!!!! We "The People" are rising up against you!!!!

An excerpt from Monty Python "The Life of Brian"

Brian - Are you the People's Front of Judea???

JPF - Fuck off!!! We're the Judean people's front!!

-- The Consultant

Some Cranky Bitch

2005-12-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

So here I am... I've got a headache, I'm feeling sick.. And it's my friday.

So I generally don't wish to be here.

This customer rings up, there's a baby's head RIGHT NEXT TO THE MOUTH PIECE OF THE PHONE... SCREAMING AND HOWLING...

So here I am, headache growing, patience thinning... Frustration growing.

This customer has done nothing but whinge for the first few minutes about how this modem has been working for some time and now all of a sudden it isn't...

I told the customer that there was limited support we could give for that modem since it's not the one we sent out. Now she starts bitching that with our modem she wouldn't be able to have more then 1 computer on at a time.. It's here that I told her that she could but she'd need to buy a switch...

Customers goes APESHIT.

Whinge whinge i spent $100 on this blah blah blah blah i want both computers on blah blah.

This was the best part of the call for me...

I finally convinced the psycho modem witch to plug in our broadband modem... checked to see if it was online and OH LOOK ITS ONLINE!!!!

So I ask the computer to open internet explorer and see if she can browse the web...

"How do I open internet explorer"

.......WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE THE INTERNET FOR IF YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BROWSE THE INTERNET?!?!?!?

After a brief explanation and guide to general internet browsing she realises that this modem has brought her online.. So she decides its her responsibility to harass me about how this isn't good enough and how we suspended her internet account because her payment was one day late... TOO BAD BIATCH!!! DONT PAY THE DOLLARS DONT GET THE SERVICE!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHA

So I sat there with a big smile on my face and said to her, well it appears that your online again so there's nothing wrong with your internet service, however if you wish to use that other modem you'll need to get a technician to sort it out for you... Bye bye now...

-waves happily as customer storms off to a group of angry children and a broken modem-

-sits back with total satisfaction at the abusive customers misfortune-

The Consultant - 1

Psycho Bitch - 0

-- The Consultant

A.D.D. & The Mentally Unstable

2005-12-10T01:47:00.000-08:00

Holy crap...

It has now been an hour since I answered this current call. Within this hour I have achieved very little.. I'm 100% sure this old lady is completely fkn batty though and has serious attention span issues...

If I counted up all the time i've asked her to stop talking about the flashing lights on the modem and concentrate on what shes doing, plus all the time she's spent talking to herself and her cat.. which I still don't believe actually exists.. then I'd say we spent 80% of this call with her talking to herself and the cat about the god damned FLASHING LIGHTS..

IGNORE THE LIGHTS!! DONT LOOK AT THE LIGHTS!!!

I mean what the hell man... WHO CARES ABOUT THE FLASHING LIGHTS?!

She got all upset when the light went solid... and solid means its working.........so.... to make her happy i guess i should NOT fix it??

How about this

There you go, lets completely screw the adsl sync, lets not install the usb drivers properly and lets put it on a dodgy power connection so all they lights flash like a christmas tree!!! THERE WE GO WELL ALSO DANGLE IT INFRONT OF YOUR HEAD ON A STRING TIED TO A STICK THATS ATTACHED TO YOUR BACK SO YOU GET EXCERSISE BY CHASING AROUND THE FLASHING LIGHTS!!!!

This call is F****NG PAINFUL.

I mean seriously... hows this.

We had our staff x-mas party last night:

- I'm hungover
- I chipped a tooth which was hurting like hell
- Went to dentist today had to get a cap put on it - half of mouth got numbed which was irritating as shit when my mouth started getting sensation back.

and then I GET THIS CALL?!?!?

AN HOUR AND A HALF!!! AN HOUR... AND A HALF OF MY LIFE WAS WASTED BY A MUTTERING IMBECILE!!!!

And you know what got completed in that hour and a half?

..........drum roll.

WE INSTALLED USB DRIVERS...

IT TOOK US AN HOUR AND A HALF TO INSTALL USB DRIVERS!!!

WHAT THE HELL MAN!?!?

Plan of action:

- Transfer customer to nearest asylum, let them take the call... trace it and go and straight jacket that bitch.

On the bright side she decided she'd give up about 4 minutes before I finish work which is great since I have all the notes done on the account I can spend a few minutes blogging about the mentally unstable.

omg..

I can just imagine this lady driving. She'd be driving along, everythings fine... its all about driving miss daisy n shit peaceful cruise.... and then all of a sudden... DISASTER STRIKES.....

SOMEBODY TURNS ON THEIR INDICATOR!!!

Customer - "OOOHHH FLASHING LIGHTS!!!!"

The customer SWERVES after the car, runs over a pedestrian maiming them in the process!! DESTROYS A FEW HEDGES WITH HER STRAIGHT FOR THE FLASHING LIGHTS DRIVING! SMASH!!! BANG!!! SHE SLAMS INTO THE POOR IDIOT DRIVING THE CAR WHO WAS COURTEOUSLY INDICATING HIS TURN BUT RESULTED IN HIS DEATH!

I have to say I have almost developed a fear of indicating now... JUST IN CASE this psychotic short attention span lunatic dumbfire missile driving nutcase is behind me... just waiting for me to indicate... Watching.... Waiting...

That little nugget of brain in her head just waiting for the right moment to suddenly tear her attention away from driving and focus it 100% on some flashing lights... INSTANTLY TURNING THIS NORMAL LADY INTO A RAVING LUNATIC!!!!!

SHE GRIPS THE WHEEL TIGHTLY AS SHE PLANTS HER FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR AND SWINGS HER CAR AROUND SHREDDING TIRES IN THE PROCESS TO CHASE AFTER THE FLASHING LIGHTS AT THE BACK OF MY CAR!!!!!

BANG!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!

There I am... On the way home from work... With a Volvo WEDGED into my vehicle and me standing by... having a cigarette... until she glow from the cigarette catches her attention....

SHE DIVES THROUGH THE AIR AND TACKLES ME TO THE GROUND GRABBING AT THE CIGARETTE!!! ITS ON FOR YOUNG AND OLD!!! SHE EATS THE CIGARETTE!!! AND STARTS RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD IN A MAD FRENZY AFTER SOMEBODY ELSES INDICATOR LIGHTS!!!!

I sit there.. Spark up another cigarette in defeat and wonder why the fuck I woke up this morning...

Now if this actually happens on my way home... I'm gonna be pissed.

Thank christ this lunatic lives in another state... far far away from me and my happy little world...

-- The Consultant

Old People

2005-11-30T16:55:00.000-08:00

Old People are great... Really they are.

BUT THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR COMPUTERS!!!!!

"Yes I just bought a new modem with a circle burner in it"

WTF?!?!

FIRST CALL OF THE DAY AND I GET A MUPPET!

Most of the call went like this:

Me - Can you please click on start, then settings then control panel.

Cust - Show desktop?

Me - No we're after the control panel.

Cust - Set program access defaults?

Me - No.. we're trying to find the control panel.

Cust - ah ok i've found windows update

Me - No not windows update we're trying to find the control panel.

This went on for a good 10-15 minutes...

You can imagine how hard it was to specify IP addresses, default gateways and DNS servers when it took us 10-15 minutes just to click on the three easiest part...

And as much as Old People are awesome...

THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR TECHNOLOGY!!!!

Pedantic Speed Nazi's

2005-11-15T01:31:00.000-08:00

Customer rings up...

Whinging and bitching that they are getting 2-3kb/s below what some stupid book they have from some stupid uni that says some stupid about the connection speed he should be getting.

JESUS CHRIST! YOUR GETTING A BLOODY GOOD CONNECTION! STOP BEING SUCH A SPEED NAZI!!!!

People like this are like the fucking police except they WANT things to go faster... DONT SMOKE CRACK!!

Whinge whinge whinge my 1500/512 connection isn't giving me the full possible connection speed... bitch bitch bitch blah blah fucking blah.

DUDE!

YOUR DOWNLOADING AT SPEEDS THAT MAKE MOST NERDS JEALOUS!

SOD OFF!!

Tell you what, take a week off the crack pipe so your friggen heart rate slows down a few beats, listen to some bob marley, smoke some pot, take the brick off your accelerator pedal and chill the hell out. You might be going at a million miles an hour but the rest of the world isn't. If you can't do any of that we'll give you a rubix cube that constantly changes! how do you like that idea!!! Oh look you got once face right... TOO BAD THE OTHERS ARE ALL RANDOMISED NOW!!

Guy probably uses his hand and his dick like two sticks of wood like the neanderthal man did to create fire... ooo fire.... attention span... TWO SECONDS WHATS NEXT TO LOOK AT! SOMETHING DISTRACT ME!!!

Congratulations.. Your an Idiot worth Blogging about.

-- The Consultant

Tar & Rocks

2005-11-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

G'day Readers & Fellow haters of idiots!

I have currently got a customer on the phone that just won't fkn listen. I tell her to do something and she says no i dont think that will work and then goes into some sort of setting or preference THAT IS TOTALLY UN-FUCKING-RELATED. Of course she comes back saying how it doesn't work and asks "what do you suggest?"

I SUGGEST YOU BLOW A HOLE IN YOUR FREAKIN HEAD WITH BOTH BARRELS OF A SHOTGUN!

I humm and Haa for a little bit to pretend that i'm actually listening to the customer as it wouldn't make an ounce of flipping difference if i was actually paying attention or not as the customer just keeps rabbiting on like a broken fucking record.

Half way through my seemingly thoughtful hum's she interrupts me with another question to which I hum a little bit more which then starts her off on another tangent.

So far she's gone in and out of system preferences (macintosh) about 20 times, trying to set the settings to something different, but of course everytime she quits that window and opens it back up again, its gone back to how it was before she changed it.

Its like watching a rat in a maze trying to find a piece of cheese. But the maze is just a circle and the cheese is in the middle of it...

I know she has a problem with her mac, and once upon a time at the start of the call it had something to do with entourage e-mails... now only God knows what the hell she's trying to stab in the dark with a knife made of putty.

-takes a moment to look at entourage-

Lo and behold the second I start to look into entourage she's crapping on about telephone cables and ethernet cables and how some other company requires you to use dialup to check e-mails so she should connect via dialup to recieve e-mails and use broadband for browsing the net.

WTF?!?!?

Oh and here we go. Now she's telling me what I should be telling her to do. Kinda feel like a ventriliquist dummy... only i'm not responding, just sitting there with my finger in my nose and my other middle finger held high in the air for all to see.

Makes you wonder you know.. These people have no idea about computers... so why the hell did they buy one. And if they can afford to buy one.. why the hell dont' they go and do a quick night course on basic computing?!?! You think somebody would rather have the satisfaction of being able to do it themselves rather then calling us, waiting on hold for an unknown amount of time... then expending half their mental energy abusing us followed by the continual loop of them saying the same shit over and over again. Blah blah ... 5 minutes later we're back to the blah blah.

Its kind of like a ferris wheel... But the view doesn't get any better at the top. Its more like a ferris wheel that you really want to get off when you get to the bottom because that gets rid of the customer. But no... everytime you get to the bottom of the ferris wheel it starts slowing down then ZOOM it swings you back up into the air and you know that you have to go all the way around again just to MAYBE... just MAYBE get off the fucking ride. A ferris wheel of frustration and disappointment. The longer it goes on... the worse it gets until you become numb to the moving sensation and are prepared to jump off at any height regardless of the risks..

I have to be honest. I don't even know where the customer is on the computer right now, she's been talking out loud to herself for so long and i've been grunting approval every couple of seconds which i just realised i was doing with or without her saying anything... I think the both of us are in our own little worlds by now, she's asking questions simply out of habit and disregards anything i say anyway. And i'm grunting simply so i sound like i'm paying attention.

We have reached an intellectual stalement of the kind that makes you feel stupid... She has brought me down to her level. I am currently as dumb as the customer..... oh god. I might go walk outside and drown myself in the lake..

Wait.. No.. Be strong... Rise up against the insurgents from the land of idiots... the place where stupidity is bred and revelled in. That strange place thats not naturally in the human mind, it has to be developed over many generations of idiots until finally the entire brain is just Tar & Rocks.

I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT TO USE ENTOURAGE! IF THE OTHER ONE WORKS BLOODY WELL USE IT! WHO CARES IF YOU DONT GET SOME STUPID GIMMICKS! EMAIL IS FOR COMMUNICATION NOT FOR LOOKING FANCY AND CHEWING UP BANDWIDTH WITH IDIOTIC ICONS AND PICTURES OF YOURSELF CARTWHEELING IN CARTOON!

oooh here we go, i love this bit. This is the bit where i get to explain to mister or missus Tar & Rocks for brains that this problem is completly outside what we can do as it seems to be working on another e-mail client... but for some unexplainable reason wont work on your favourite little dumpling pie of a shitty e-mail client.

TOUGH TITTIES!!! MUAHAHAHAH YOU CANT HAVE WHAT YOU WANT! YOUR GONNA HAVE TO USE THE OTHER ONE! AND YOU CANT BLAME ME COS ITS NOT MY FAULT!!!

NO!!! DONT CHANGE THE INTERNET CONNECTION SETTINGS!!! THEYRE TOTALLY UNRELATED!!!! STFU!!!!

Just leave it as it is... no touchies. Dont touch. You should be keeping your hands off the fucking keyboard and covering your ears, eyes, nose and mouth for fear that the minute amounts of organic matter still comprising to form some sort of brain might fall out from the pressure of Tar & Rocks building up behind it...

-- The Consultant

On behalf of Go0se

2005-11-06T04:05:00.000-08:00

Go0se is one of my work colleagues.. He has this to say about his last call.

1. Customer - I have my phone plugged into my modem.

2. Customer - I have my filter plugged into my modem And my phone plugged into the filter.

3. Customer - Oh ok, so you are going to call me on my mobile now ? should i turn it on ?

4. Customer - I have 2 modems one is really big and the other one you sent me.(refering to her pc)

5. Customer - My computer only has two cables a black one and a white one in the back of it. ( THE MONITOR )

6. Customer- Internet Explorer ? no no i use Windows

7. Customer - This is the first time i have called in 4 months

Go0se - Has it worked previously?

Customer - NO!!! thats why im calling

8. <MOBILE>>
Go0se - can you turn off your speakers ?
customer - umm no i dont know how .

9. Go0se - Cant connect to modem? did you install the drivers?
Customer - the what? i am driving the computer !

10. Go0se - Can i get you to click on the black cross up the top right hand side of your screen please ?
customer -right click or left ?

11. Go0se - can you please find your bb starter kit cd please and put it in the computer ?
customer - ok which computer do i put it in ?

12. The screen on the computer is on do you want me to disconnect it ?
Go0se - WHY?

13.
Go0se - please close that menu for me please?
Customer - how do i do that ?
Go0se -click on close.

14. The customer typed userATdomain.net.au instead of user@domain.net.au

15. what is my password to log on to the pc ?

16. Go0se - Do you know what version of internet explorer you have ?
custoemr - ummm domain.net.au

17. customer - This is too hard im going to go out tommorow and get the expees for my modem
Go0se - ok have a good day

And the best first line he's ever gotten from a call:

"Hello yes.. why isn't my robot working?"

Thanks Go0se :-)

-- The Consultant

One of those Days...

2005-11-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

This is one of those days that you just want to go and get yourself a .50 calibre minigun firing at 10,000 rpm... line up the retards and just pull the trigger...

This is one of those days when you know that after you finish work tonight you get two days off but you just want to go home and do nothing the minute you step through the door...

This is one of those days where you have to grit your teeth and bear the abrasive stupidity and ignorance of the clients calling you... even if it means grinding your teeth down to the gums...

One of those days in which you could just scream and yell at the customer... You just want to stand there flapping your hands about like a fucken seal with down syndrome which seems to be the only way to nearly accurately imitate the customers mental abillities and interpersonal skills...

One of those weeks where you would nearly be convinced just by the constant torrential downpour of fucktards to use the phone cable attached to your headset to hang yourself just to make the customers go away... Customers.. these things aren't customers... They're something else......something much more sinister... just there to STRESS US THE FK OUT!!!!

GOD DAMMIT PEOPLE!!!! THERE IS SUCH A THING AS COMMON SENSE!!! AT LEAST TRY AND UTILISE IT A LITTLE BIT!!!!

Just one of those moments in your life that no matter how much you don't like the idea of killing somebody... You would like nothing less then to drive around and blow up every single idiots house.

Darwin's theory of evolution obviously isn't working right now.

Stupid people are generating stupid children which in turn marry another stupid person and the strain of stupidity gets stronger with each generation...

END THE IDIOTS! PICK UP YOUR TORCHES AND PITCH FORKS TODAY!!!!! START A RIOT!!! THROW A TEXT BOOK AT THEM ITS LIKE GARLIC FOR A VAMPIRE!!!!!

This isn't going anywhere.. I'm just frustrated.

-- The Consultant

JUST STFU!!!!!

2005-11-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

SHUT UP YOU FRIGGEN IDIOT CUSTOMER!!!!

JUST SHUT UP!!!

GOD DAMMIT SHUT YOUR FKN MOUTH!! YOU DONT KNOW!!! YOUR AN IDIOT!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

PISS OFF YA NONCE!!!!

-- The Consultant

General Idiotism

2005-10-31T21:27:00.000-08:00

First call of the day:

Customer - yes i uhh... having probrem prugging filter into phone rine

Me - ah ok see if you can unplug the phone line from the 4 port adapter that goes into the wall?

Customer - AH YES! I CAN DO THAT!

-beep...beep...beep...beep...-

Short & Sweet..

-- The Consultant

Sorry Tim... But I was bored.. and you were there.

2005-10-31T03:05:00.000-08:00

So there I am... sitting at work... bored.

So I randomly send a musical note emoticon on MSN to my mate Tim out of boredom.

It was when he replied... that I couldn't resist... Read on.

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Tim says: whats the note?

Muncher says: eh

Muncher says: what note

Tim says: you sent the musical note

Muncher says: what?

Muncher says: oh

Muncher says: shit

Muncher says: dude

Muncher says: do a full virus scan

Tim says: why?

Muncher says: its a new virus going round

Tim says: some msn virus?

Muncher says: it just sends a note

Tim says: and?

Tim says: you just sent it to me?

Muncher says: noo... the person doesn't

Muncher says: the virus does

Muncher says: n thats how it transfers

Tim says: your kidding yourself arent you dude?

Muncher says: no dude

Tim says: since when can msn transfer shit without telling us?

Muncher says: uhhhh

Muncher says: since like years ago

Muncher says: dude

Muncher says: dont u know about the blasterworm virus

Tim says: or is this a non msn related virus

Muncher says: u get it as soon as you log on

Tim says: ah gay

Muncher says: without browsing or anything

Muncher says: this is like that

Muncher says: do a quick scan

Tim says: i remember the uni computers man

Tim says: righto righto

Muncher says: BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

Muncher says: :-P

Muncher says: AHHAHGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAGHAHHAGAGHAHGAGHAGHAHG

Muncher says: ok i was bored

Tim says: hahahaha fucker

Muncher says: hahaahhahahahahahaha

Muncher says: i got you fucker

Tim says: i had barely got back to my desktop

Tim says: man i dont like trying to argue with you on a good day

Muncher says: hahahhaha

Tim says: and so fuckin tired lol your a c*** i was gonna go to bedtill i thought i might hafto run a fucking scan

Muncher says: hahahahahhahahaha

Muncher says: -winner-

And now i'm bored again... Wonder what'll happen next...

-- The Consultant

The French

2005-10-30T03:12:00.000-08:00

If you ask me.. The only thing the French should host... is an Invasion... - Johnny English

God dammit.

French customers.... STFU FRENCHIE!!! Go east some friggen snails or something... Go drink wine... and jump off the friggen eiffel tower.

I mean seriously, where do these people get their happy hats by telling me what I have to do.

frenchie - "you HAVE to call me back on my mobile"

me (thinking) - like fucking hell i have to do anything bitch!

OMG YOU IMPATIENT FKTARD...

another customer who waits milliseconds for me to respond and then gets all shitty cos I don't talk non-stop...

Pretty hard to get a friggen word in when your blabbering on with your stupid accent and bullshit demands.

Now I know why they got invaded so quickly... They hurled insults at the enemy and demanded they leave their shores and shoot themselves... YEH... THATS GONNA WORK!!!

Wait wait wait here it is...

"What is the address bar? and how do i put www. in there?"

I'm sitting here wondering... they the fuck this french horn is bothering trying to get the internet while her stupid miniature fluff ball excuse for a dog is yapping in the friggen mike for the phone.. then it comes to me... she only wants to be online because everybody else is online... AND GOD FORBID THE FRENCH ARE LEFT OUT.

Don't get me wrong... not all french are bad... just the majority -evil grin-

This isn't really going anywhere... Pretty hard to find direction when your dealing with a retard and have to use the most simple explanation for a technical issue as possible which they then get confused about because they're too stupid to relate a metaphor to something.

And holy shit. It gets better.

"You need to update your modem drivers"

frenchie - my hard drive?

"no. your MODEM drivers"

frenchie - but i replaced the hard drive 6 months ago..

"no, not your hard drive, your MODEM"

frenchie - ok.. so can we do that over the phone?

"no sorry, you need to be online to download the modem drivers"

frenchie - "and we can't do that over the phone?"

"no, you need to be online to download them"

(this goes on and on for about 2-3 minutes of me trying to explain to the frog that we can't do it over the phone because of obvious reasons why I cant transfer modem drivers from a voice conversation to her computer miraculously... during this time the mute button was heavily used as I abused and screamed silently at the customer while she dribbled out mashed up bits of snail and wine from the earlier dining.)

It basically ended with "Go see a computer technician, they can explain it all in person and it'll be much easier to understand when you can get visuals aswell as verbals."

BLAH!

GFY!!!!

-- The Consultant

What Really Grinds My Gears...

2005-10-23T03:53:00.000-07:00

You Know what really Grinds My Gears? (tm Family Guy)

Friggen customers who ring up and TELL ME what the god damned problem is thats stopping them from browsing the internet or getting their e-mails and what I should do to fix it... (especially ones with indian accents... and the name mohammed... WOAH MAN!!! YOUR A PROPHET DUDE!!!! YOU AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON THAT COMES FROM YOUR CULTURE!!! ITS THE LAND OF PROPHETS!!!)

IF YOU FRIGGING KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM AND SOLUTION IS... WHY THE FRIGGEN HELL ARE YOU CALLING ME YOU TIME WASTERS???

Oh and it gets better.

The twats don't really know what the fuck they're talking about either.. For instance I JUST took a call that basically went as this:

C - Yes my problem is that the modem isn't assigning me the right IP address, I need you to refresh my IP address.

Me (says) - Actually no its because your modem isn't currently online.

C - Ah.. yes i have come across this problem before.

Me (thinking) - HAVE YOU REALLY??? HHOOOLLYYY SHIT HOLD THE PHONES SOMEBODY CALL THE PRESIDENT THIS FRIGGEN GENIUS HAS COME ACROSS PEOPLE NOT BEING ABLE TO GO ONLINE BEFORE... ITS ONLY MY ENTIRE FUCKEN JOB YOU MORONIC DICKWEED.

Me (says) - thats awesome! in that case it'll make this alot easier and quicker because you'll know what to do when i give you the instructions.

(grumbles about people calling him while he's blogging, PISS OFF IM BLOGGING)
(oooo a customer rings up and threatens to leave our provider because we won't help him fix his wireless network... TOUGH TITTIES BIATCH!!)
(Anyway back to the call earlier.)

Me (says) - ok what I need you to do is remove power from the modem for 15 seconds then put power back to the modem.

C - that wont work.

Me (thinking) - OHHHH RREEEAALLLLYYYY....... BET YA FIVE BUCKS ASSHOLE!

Me (says) - That might be true but we'll give that a shot anyway shall we? ok so just unplug the power for 15 seconds then put the power plug back in again.

20 seconds of agonizing silence go past... I can feel his stupidity oozing through the friggen phone.

C - done.

Me - Ok lets give it a few moments to log on and we'll see if its working.

half a second goes by and the idiot just can't wait...

C - its not working! Its not bloody working! I told you it wouldn't work!

Me (thinking) - ohhhhhh thats cos you only gave it HALF A FRIGGEN SECOND YOU IMPATIENT RETARD. GO FIND A SHINY OBJECT THAT SHOULD KEEP YOU OCCUPIED FOR A FEW MINUTES!!!

Me - And lets reboot the computer now.

C - Ok its rebooting, but I dont think this will fix it.

Me - maybe not but we're gonna try it anyway.

3 minutes of silence go past.. More stupidity oozes out from the phone and onto the floor beside me, its now a fairly sizable puddle of moronic sludge.

C - Ok the computer is up and running.

Me - Yes and I can see that your modem is online can you try browsing the internet for me?

C - Yes its working.

Me - Well then is there ANYTHING else i can help you with today?

Me (thinking) - piss off you nonce.

C - I know its going to go down again! i know it will! in about 14-15 days it'll go down! thats the way it always happens!

Me - Well you've only had the broadband with us for 3 days so no trends could really be picked up involving a fortnightly sequence, but when it goes down again give us a call and we'll sort it out again.

C - but its going to happen again!!!

Me - and when it does, you make sure you give us a call.

C - Ok bye

Me (thinking) - hopefully by then all the stupidity will have leaked out of your fucken head and suffocated you in a massive wad of bullshit.

Me - You have a good day now.

First of all... WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING ME IF YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM AND SOLUTION...

IF YOU KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT COMPUTERS TO TELL ME I'M WRONG THEN OBVIOUSLY BY AT LEAST USING THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION YOU COULD FIX IT YOURSELF....

Better yet... Use the process of elimination EXACTLY as it should be used AND SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD... Thus ELIMINATING any chance that i'll have to answer your stupid fucking phone calls ever again!!!!

Woo... I feel better now.

-- The Consultant

Call Monitoring

2005-10-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

So here I am.. fairly tired on a Sunday night doing the 4pm-midnight shift after already being awake since 7am with 3-4 hours sleep.

Its a quiet night which is good but I'm getting bored. Of course when I get bored all hell breaks loose.

Customer calls up, Lovely lady. One of the customers you want to get while your at work because you can joke around with them and so forth.

So there I am talking shit about actors and movies etc etc not exactly doing my job but still "Building Rapport"... Recently I've had shite results on my "call qualities/monitoring" so I decide i'm gonna really hammer it and get a good result.

The call goes on, there's jokes been thrown backwords and forth, the occaisional rude word etc which of course is soooo not professional but HEY! It was funny!!!

I turn around... And there's my team manager standing there at his desk laughing because he just saw my face when I realised he was monitoring my call....

Fuel to get to work... $1.00
2 Bottles of V to stay awake... $5.00
Endless cups of water... Free

The Look on my face when I see my team manager is monitoring a call in which I'm using bad jokes and bad language and borderlined flirting with a middle aged lady... Priceless.

But hey.. i got 91.65%

-- The Consultant

The Pinnacle

2005-10-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the greatest one I've come across to date... Perhaps not the funniest. But the biggest "O M G" call.

"I keep getting an error in my E-mail program I go to send/recieve and then it stops doing it, I've got an error number it is: 0x800ccc07"

So I do a error code search and find this:

Error Code: 0x800CCC17
Error Catagory: E-Mail
Error Description: USER_CANCEL - User canceled operation.
Reasons:
- You pressed the cancel button.

I don't feel I need to write anymore about this. You can all draw your own conclusions...

-- The Consultant

First Call of the Day

2005-10-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

So I get to work.. Its raining... Which is good because I enjoy the rain, its better then this confounded bloody heat.

I got in early so I check my e-mails n all that jazz..

Start time comes.. I click the button to log me on and start accepting calls.

First Call.. THE FIRST CALL IS AN IDIOT!!! I thought I would have at LEAST gotten till about halfway through the day before MORONS somehow managed to use a telephone and call us successfuly.

We should change the automated system where you hit numbers to get through to us to have some sort of basic quiz involving computer knowledge... If you fail you get hung up on.

For instance:

If you are a retard press 1.
If you are ringing to complain press 1.
If you are trying to go online without actually connecting to the internet.. Press 1.

And the number 1 will just take you to some endless loop of a ricky martin gay pride song.. playing over... and over and OVER AGAIN!!!

Anyway back to this first caller.

C - "I can't open google!!! WHY NO GOOGLE!"
Me - "Have you tried dialling up to the internet? with your dialup connection?"
C - "What's Dial up?"
Me- "You are aware that you have a 'dialup internet' account with us don't you?
C - "yes yes of course."
Me -"and with dialup... you need to dialup to the internet. to browse the internet"
c - "browse?"
me - "Is there anybody else there that is a little more computer literate as we seem to be having some troubles communicating"

It should be a cardinal Sin for idiots to call for help this early in the morning. Why doesn't evolution work with the computing world too?? All the incompetent morons die out leaving only people who understand even the most basic principals which are so bleeding obvious even to my friggen dog.

I'm going out for a cigarette... Hopefully when I get back the normal world will have woken up and they'll be drowning out the sounds of broken english yelled by people with an IQ lower than 10.

-- The Consultant

One Reason we should ban retards from the internet...

2005-10-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

After you look through this guys site... well... shit... I dont think I need to say anything else..

http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/about/index.htm

This ....dude is a prime example of "Small Penis Angry Man Syndrome" so he spends his life trying to be some sort of 'hardcore super hero' that... well... well he's a total dick.

This guy is wasting organic matter & oxygen... If in the odd chance that you see him... Punch him for me.. or tell me where he is and we'll run over him in a car.

-- The Consultant

The Internet & Amish People

2005-10-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

Amish people who shun technology... Are online...

.....what the hell man.

http://www.amish-heartland.com/
http://www.amishcountry.org/
www.amishexperience.com/ - Oh yay!! Lets go on an AMISH TOUR!!! QUICK HONEY GET THE CAMERA!!

I mean seriously... WHAT THE HELL MAN??

And my personal favourite: http://www.holycrosslivonia.org/amish/ "Mission Statement: To defend and preserve the religious freedom of the Old Order Amish religion in the United States."

Well forgive me if i'm wrong but I thought Amish people weren't supposed to use all sorts of weird and wonderful machinary... Quick bretheren let us defend ourselves with the weapons and technology the modern world is using against us!

Quick hint: If you wanted to be left alone... shut the hell up.. Nobody's gonna come over and kick your milk bucket if you were just happy to live your life and not interfere with anybody elses.

-- The Consultant

Spyware

2005-10-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

Customer calls up, having MAJOR issues with popups and all sorts of weird and wonderful BS. Its like a god damned fireworks display of internet explorer windows showing all sorts of adult material & gambling things.

First of all I'm wondering how this person got all these popups & spyware... Most of the time you pick up spyware of a specific catagory by actions in that catagory.. I wonder if she knows that her 15 year old son is an idiot who can't browse porn sites without smothering his mum with porn popups about all sorts of strange sexual positions the old bird has never even dreamed of... Go out and buy a book on sex, go out and browse a porn site, you might even like it, you and your old husband who's just as likely to be the culprit for the porn spyware as your son is.

ANYWAY... due to the amount of crap on this shrivelled old bat's computer she can't load any websites up. As soon as I tell her that she might have a severe spyware infection she starts ranting and raving like a god damned turkey on crack. "I dont have any bloody spyware rah rah rah blah bitch bitch whinge"... so i ask her "do you have any anti-spyware?"

Of course she replies "No of course I dont I dont even know what this ***** spyware bullshit is!"

HOW THE FRIGGEN HELL ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU DONT HAVE SPYWARE IF YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!

GOD DAMMIT PEOPLE!!!!

You call technical support because WE KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO. We deal with spyware, viruses and other general internet problems every day all day, its our god damned jobs. So don't go calling us and telling us that we're wrong and your right when you admit that you don't even know what your friggen talking about.

Next time you call up have a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a dick in the other. At least that way when you get the shits you can have a stiff drink and that way you'll be a little more placid and not so fucken rabid. As for the dick in the other hand, thats for when you won't STFU about shit you don't understand so stuff it in your mouth and listen to what people are saying that know more about this than you do.

That'd be like me going to the doctor's when i'm sick and going no doctor. your WRONG! your years of medical experience mean nothing!!! I don't visit the doctor to find out whats wrong with me or get some medication for the common cold... I go to the doctor to sneeze on him and tell him that he's completely wrong with his diagnosis.

People! SERIOUSLY!

If you knew everything... what the fuck is the point of having other people there to help you. People have a profession and occupation for a reason, SO YOU DON'T FREAK OUT BECAUSE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. THEY ARE THERE TO HELP YOU!

So as professionally as I could I tried to explain what spyware was and explain to her that she could get a FREE anti-spyware program... but she had it totally rivetted into her head that she had to buy more shit and had to spend more money blah blah blah.

Moments later she hung up the phone. I sat back... Started writing my blog and at this moment I hope that the spyware on her computer gets so bad it just starts displaying illicit porno all over the place... Hell... she's probably just pissed off cos her hubby can't get it up anymore and she needs a good rogering and all these porno popups are frustrating the shit out of her.

Solution? Go get a whole bottle of viagra, put it in the bastards soup. Then go get some anti-spyware and remove all the bullshit on your computer... Once you've done all this? Go and stand infront of traffic on the motorway so the rest of the world doesn't have to share your stupidity.

-- The Consultant

Usernames & Passwords

2005-10-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

I had a totally abusive customer today who sweared to god that he's never had to enter a username & password to connect to the internet through dialup or even check his e-mails online.

...........OF COURSE YOU NEED A BLOODY USERNAME & PASSWORD ELSE HOW THE HELL DO WE KNOW WHO IS CONNECTING AND WHO'S EMAIL YOU SHOULD BE RECIEVING.

What does he want us to do, just accept dialup connections from unknown users across the world? Oh sure mister anonymous feel free to use our internet for free and we'll just have our fingers crossed that you have the conscience to send your monthly subscription to us since we have no idea who is and isn't using our service.

As for e-mails? What are you going to do? login to an account with no e-mail address? even IF you could do that, how the f***ng hell are people going to e-mail you if you dont have a god damned email address??

USE YOUR FREAKIN HEADS!!!

It'd be like living in a house with no postal address and no PO box and wondering why the hell you never get any mail delivered.

Tolerance for retards has dropped by a whopping 76% today due to the absolute stupidity of an old couple who just expect us to telephatically or someshit know who's connecting to us at what times and where to send who's e-mails.

Customer has decided that they will call all the other ISP's in the country and find one that will give them Internet access with no username & password... Expecting call centre's across the country to recieve enraged calls resulting in this old fool hate mailing the government about a massive ISP conspiracy... and that we are all against him.

Yes... We are all against you. But its not a fucken conspiracy... Your just a retard.

Congratulations. You've won the "Retard of the Week Award"

-- The Consultant

The Kind of Idiots to Expect

2005-10-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

The Kind of Idiots you expect at an Internet Help Desk Job...

Are basically so stupid that you'd expect somebody to take them to the surgeons so they can get a colostamy bag rigged up because they're too damned stupid to find the toilet or even take their pants down before taking a dump..

Keep your eyes on here for horror stories of absolute... well.. retards.

-- The Consultant